Sunday, May 14, 2006

It could be the iced tea and amaretto talking...

I've been stalking/reading Crazy Aunt Purl lately. You should too, because she's a riot. But that's beside the point. She also writes some very insightful, thoughtful stuff, and talks about blogging as therapy. Reading her blog has made me wonder why I signed on for this bizarre bit of exhibitionism. What is my reason for blogging?

Initially I said it was because I wanted to join the terrific online knitting community, and that's still true. I have learned so much reading about other people's trials and tribulations of the yarny variety. I've found so many excellent online resources through the blogs I read. I've also enjoyed reading about other people's yarn and kids and cats and neuroses and finished objects. I'm so touched when I read about knitbloggers donating to someone's cause or throwing a kickass cyber shower. A friend once said, "There's a whole good karma thing with people who work in agriculture." It's the same for people who knit.

I think I've also discovered that one all-purpose set of friends doesn't work. I may have already alluded to the fact that I don't always see eye to eye with that all-purpose set of friends, anyway. It's funny, because most of them knit or have knitted at some time. One seems to have quit, another is so bogged down with work I don't think she does much else, and a third still knits, but doesn't like hanging out with women as far as I can tell. Her husband has been a better girlfriend to me than she has.

Sometimes a little compartmentalization is good, too. When my friend Nicole said (not joking), "How many yarn shops do you need to go to? I think you have a problem." I realized that you can't always count on your friends to understand all your quirks.

The last time I spent a lot of time online I was really dissatisfied with my friends. Actually, I was disappointed in my life in general. That was years ago in college, and it ended once I started working on the newspaper and I met some of my best friends and my husband. I changed the focus of my major. I went to Ghana for a January class. I made plans to spend a semester abroad. There was a complete overhaul of my life.

I guess that means I'm just unhappy right now. I'm not happy with my living situation; we live in an apartment that's actually smaller than the last place we lived. I HATE the town I live in. I'm pretty sure it wants to suck out my soul. Ok, maybe it's not that bad, but I grew up in a small town and I have NEVER wanted to go back to one. I love my boss, but the job isn't what I want to be doing. Not much I can do about that for the time being. Then there's money. There's ALWAYS money. Or not always money, which is more the problem.

I feel kind of stuck. We don't know when we can move on, but I'm ready to right now. I'm having a hard time finding people who make me feel happy rather than so terribly flawed. Do other people seek out an online community for the same reasons? Does this make any sense? Or am I just a maudlin woman who's had a couple of drinkies?

Maybe this is a way of meeting new people. Maybe reading about all my imaginary friends takes some of the sting out of watching me drift away from my friends here. Oh yeah, and Nicole knits, or at least she did. Can you imagine, knowing about the love of fiber and yet still having the nerve to say something like that? Is there any wonder why I'm disappointed?

Maybe I'm just a stalker at heart, and right now real life isn't satisfying enough to distract me from my true calling. Don't worry about that dark shape lurking in your comments section... it's just me.

Oh, and I'll talk more about knitting tomorrow.

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