I want to move on. I want my husband to come out on top in his struggles with depression. I want to have that baby I tried to have this summer. I want to move back to the Twin Cities. I want to be out of debt.
Sometimes I get so tired. I know everyone does, and I'm a lucky person to have only the worries I have. But sometimes it overwhelms my resolve, and leaves me with the desire to wallow in self pity.
I have been sad. I figured out how much it will cost for us to move. It seems so far away. We have to save a lot money, but how do you do that when you're living paycheck to paycheck? The damn truck alone is going to be around $1,000, along with another $400 in gasoline. Plus, we have to be able to pay our bills, buy groceries, etc during that time. And we have to have jobs to go to, of course.
I want to have our baby. But do we move first? Or do we have a baby first, even though it may mean that we have to stay here longer? How long can we work together before we begin to get really sick of one another? How long will it take to move? I don't want to wait that long to try again.
Yesterday, my Mom said, "Oh, forget about the moving costs. We'll take care of those. We'll move you. You just concentrate on getting jobs and getting pregnant again." Just like that. And I couldn't stop sobbing.
I heard from my sister Annie on Thursday. She had the terrifying experience of being told that her AFP levels were such that her baby could have spinal bifida. They did an ultrasound. Everything was fine, thank god. And... it's a boy!