Wednesday, August 16, 2006


I was pregnant. For 10 happy weeks and 2 awful weeks, I was pregnant. I'm the oldest in my family, and until July, the only one married. This was to be the first grandchild for my parents, and they were ecstatic! Carl and I went back and forth between being really happy, and wondering what the hell we were doing, but I've been told nearly everyone feels that way, even after the children have been around for a while. We were excited.

Two weeks ago the ultrasound revealed that the gestational sac was not as big as it should be, and while I'm no technician, it looked pretty empty to me. No little embryo in there, no little heartbeat. And we were told we had to wait 2 weeks until the next ultrasound to know anything. Unless I started to miscarry before then.

I hate the terms "threatened miscarriage" or "threatened abortion." They sound like I'm throwing a tantrum. I'll hold my breath...

Monday, we went back, and nothing had changed. Except I was no longer threatening to miscarry... I had begun. And I'm ok. I've been sad, very sad, and disappointed. However, what I thought was the worst thing that could happen has happened. And I'm ok. Carl's ok, too. It really isn't the worst thing that could happen. We know we can do it again, and the odds are in our favor that this time, I'll carry a baby to term. It's surprising how hopeful and grateful I feel- our family and our friends are so good. Such support. My favorite knitter in MN, Jenny, emailed me practically every day to check on me. How lucky am I?

I'm glad I've had this little space to think about other things- or maybe at least pretend I was thinking about other things- for the past 2 weeks. The anticipation, the not knowing, was far worse than coming to terms with the end of my first pregnancy. I over-analyzed every twinge, every single gas bubble, until I couldn't feel anything anymore. Every negative sign was followed by a positive sign and vice versa. After the first week, I simply felt like a spectator, with no clue which way things were going to go.

One thing I have discovered is the joy of knitting baby clothes. Aside from the preparation for the baby who will wear them, they're quick! They make me feel like I'm accomplishing something. They're soft and comforting, too. I've done the back and left front panel of the Baby Yoda Sweater, and I'm not going to stop. My baby won't be born at the end of February now... but my baby will still need a sweater, whenever s/he makes the grand entrance. When it's complete, I'll post a picture. Knitting therapy to the rescue again!


Louise said...

Wow.. you have been feeling a huge range of emotions lately. It sounds like you have a positive outlook and will be OK. Time and knitting are both healers. Baby cloths ARE fun to knit, and babies are less picky about fit too, luckily. Kindly provide pictures of baby items, as well as new baby when he or she appears.

Aprilynne said...

((((big giant hug))))

I'm sorry you are going through that, but glad you seem to be doing pretty well in spite of it. I've never been through that, but have watched friends and family deal with it, and I know it can really do a number on a person.

It's true that when you are first pregnant you worry about how things will never be the same, and wonder what in heck you've done to your life, etc... I know I did. We were just 'thinking' about planning our first baby, and I chickened out - but I was already pregnant and didn't know it! As usual, the best way to get pregnant is by NOT trying too hard.

I'll be thinking about ya.

hey the the verification starts with 'hug' =)

Faith said...

Dear Susan -

I am so sorry. I know there are no words to express how you must feel. Please know that I am thinking about you and I am sending another knitter and dear friend who just lost her baby on July 4 a link to your site.

All my best -

laurie said...

Dear Susan,
This was so beautifully written, and you know ... something in me really needed to read this today, because you somehow made such a sad event feel uplifting at the end of the day. I am so sorry about all the sadness. I can't even imagine. But the hopeful way you wrote this, well, I just love you for it.

Amanda said...

Hi Susan - What a brave post, thank you for sharing this hard time with us - I know it must be terribly difficult to write about.

Reading about pregnancy has become so much more relevant to me now that I'm at an age when I'm seriously starting to consider when it will be happening for us. I think it's so important to share the hard stories as often as we share the good ones.

You're in my thoughts. Stay strong, get hugs, keep knitting, buy new shoes....

jacey(insubordiknit)h said...

I just saw this. I'm so sorry. Really, truly sorry.